Homecoming part -1

I just want to come home. I want to come home to myself, to my pure soulful being. My step inside would be as a human; my ordinary self draped in a surrender to my imperfections, past mistakes, someone I was but wasn’t. Also the same drape glowing with dignity, self- respect, and my belief within myself. I want to come home to my sanctuary , I built within; not as a Goddess, but as a devotee of my being. I step inside. I evoke, seek, and embrace a higher power to hold me, heal me, and forgive me. My lit up house reflects my path to self acknowledgement and liberation. I accept as who I am, with all my shallowness, I cleanse myself in God’s vastness. My home awaited me for so long. Guilt is a styled darkness at some dusty corner of my being, but my senses are perked with beaming blessings  just like the specks of light around.

I am home. Maybe everything happened for a reason. Time became the hands of God, moulding my every weak helpless moment to make me more mature, strong, wise; integral human. I searched for some lost reasons of my refuted circumstances. Just the way gold is purified through rigorous process by burning in fire; my egoistic, weak, regressive self burned in a fire too. Just like a phoenix, coaxing me to rise above my old self and fly away with the wings of gold. It seems, my wounds I instilled on myself and upon others lie in the open with folded hands seeking forgiveness and healing. And, I know God will heal my loved ones and me too. I fear the words I write now. I fear the thoughts I think. I fear my captive mind circling around the rigidity of my ideals and beliefs; not giving myself any freedom towards understanding of others and their emotions. I fear.

I am tired, but I am home.

….. to be continued 

(Photo clicked by me)

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Dreams

I choose to smile and look up again.

I run barefeet in the garden of my soul with you. Vagrant memories come and knock on my door; and, I welcome, as those I adore. The window opens to an open sky; star filled eyes shining in moonlight.

I want to travel to this magical land; I want to walk with sunshine to catch the stars!

I run in your vibrancy, and follow you till the end.

@vagrantthoughtsofmine

Me, bitterness, and symptomatic paranoia

I am amongst those who have always tried to fit in some or the other world of moulds given to me by the society into the norms of a happy , inspired, successful living, but failed. Whether those were relationships adjusting to a toxic environment, or my own search for myself.

I meandered my way through the alleys of sadness, the emotional imbalances, outbursts, feeling of abandonment, dishonour, disillusioned by what my heart, mind, and soul desired. Bitterness towards relationship issues permeated every cell of my being. Every time I felt dillusioned, or emotionally hurt; my being would just gush unto the clutches of paranoiac panic attacks, and anxiety attacks. Soon, as my insecurities and hurt grew deeper, I started becoming a prisoner of an utterly impossible situation where helpless shivering, blame game, shame, use of filthy foul abusive language; would simply sketch my picture and I would lose all the dots I connected to. So often, and sooner then I realised, I had fallen prey to the silent soul, dignity killer called anxiety disorder, depression, a suspected Paranoia of sorts.

“Paranoia involves intense anxious or fearful feelings and thoughts often related to persecution, threat, or conspiracy. Paranoia can become delusions, when irrational thoughts and beliefs become so fixed that nothing (including contrary evidence) can convince a person that what they think or feel is”

It became a perpetual pattern of my behaviour reacting to anything which discorded and conflicted with my thinking process. It was a constant sinking feeling that I was falling deep into some well where I could only see darkness, falling deep into the depth of nothingness. I would call frantically, scream, shout, and cry.

My volatile reactions to my inability to react to any emotional moment especially if it encountered some sort of emotional hurt, would send me in a frenzy and an extreme behaviour. People around me thought I was going insane and mad. And, they would call me that.

Anxiety attacks can make you lose your most beautiful and trusted relationships. Years of emotional hurt, staying in a toxic relationship, dealing with some childhood hurt patterns, pressures of a rule abiding society; I mean everything just would become a block for me in my head. It’s like to live under constant clouds of storm. It would give me a deep hurt while  trying to understand that why was it so difficult for the people from whom we expect the most to understand; for them to see from a new perspective that the person they love so much could be suffering from some mental illness. Why it becomes a taboo? Why can’t they see it as a chemical reaction in someone’s brain?

It could be PTSD, Paranoia, or some long simmering depression leading to the anxiety and panic attacks. For many of us have traveled on the broken shards of glasses for the longest time of our lives, everyday living our emotional scars and wounds.

I would expect people who loved me and whom I loved and trusted to understand; accept my vulnerable helpless moment. I won’t deny, but they did for a while but soon they started giving up on my behaviour. I don’t blame them. In my wrath of my anxiety and panic attacks, I wounded them with unseen but ghastly hurt. It did hurt them. And soon they left. I was miserably sorry and I needed to forgive myself.

I take responsibility of my actions and sincerely apologise to everyone whom I have hurt knowingly and unknowingly.

I am still trying to forgive myself, and somewhere them also. Isn’t love about acceptance? Don’t we love a person for all their weaknesses and strengths? Don’t we promise to be with them in sad times and happier times? Staying with someone, holding their hand in their darkest lowest moments; is Love for me. But, I have experienced that Love does get tired of standing by you and their comes a moment in angst , when all is gone.

I wanted to hold on to the promises of love too, but they can’t accept that it’s not just an agonising argument; there’s deep pain and a hidden monster behind it. In refusal, they tend to shun away from negativity and you are utterly alone in your weakest self moment. And, one can’t blame them. Our society is living in an unawareness of some serious mental illnesses. I am still better and surviving in a strong way, but some do succumb to this by ending their own lives. The moment they leave us or we leave them, we again get quaffed in misery of our depression. It’s a vicious  circle, leaving no escape for all those suffering from self- doubt, and their incapability to handle themselves. We let others value up our measure of self worth. Definitely not denying, I have done that to others too. But now I realise my mistakes towards others and towards me.. ain’t it enough!!

Anyone who has suffered and gone through these attacks, would absolutely agree and relate to this. So many of us.. so many of us going through this silent soul sucking diminishing illness everyday.

Enough is Enough ! Only we can rescue ourselves from our own vulnerable being.

Even today I am not free from depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and symptomatic paranoia. I have lost my most precious loved relationships to the recurrent display of my disorder. Being alive is not just a natural state of breathing, it’s an essence of vibrancy. Loneliness and a feeling of emptiness; a depressed state of mind when I am not even able to open my arms to the sky and say I am alive!! When I am not. I live in a persistent guilt of scarring my loved ones too. I hate to say but I wish such wonderful people hadn’t ever visited my dark world.

See.. here I am again going on self- sabotage and self blame.

Now, what do I do? After having lost all my integrity, my dignity and my self- respect; what do I do?, I question myself again and again.

HEAL

We all need to heal first. We all need to learn how to love ourselves first. Self- love and acceptance is the only form of true healing which comes our way.

I want to make a promise first to myself.

I want to Stop myself and Stop others from falling prey to our vulnerability towards mental instability and emotions. I want to be there for myself first. I want to gather all my strength and push the boulders of self doubt and misery away.

I want to Stop being the victim of my own mind!!

Many times it’s our inability to see ourselves in a sprinkling white bright light, because we have been in darkness for too long, and some love hurts have left us wounded forever. It’s easier said than done, but try!! Try taking that one step, that one time when you lean on yourself, hold yourself, assemble yourself, rearrange yourself, love yourself, cuddle yourself, and tell yourself that you can begin again… try taking that first step with that belief in yourself that you are absolutely clear of every past wound or hurt. You forgive yourself and you forgive others for everything. Take that first step towards building yourself again, fall in love again but within yourself first!!

We all face hardships in our own ways. We all have our own challenges at every step, some bridges to be built and some to be burned forever; for how long can we wait for a miracle to heal us. There’s no magical pill or drug for that. We gotta do that with a strong conviction of just belonging, living and nurturing our soul and being  first. Be the gardener of that enchanted garden, you always dreamt of. Going back is never the option, move forward.

Though it’s not okay that we hurt people while they hurt us too, but we got to leave that behind. Going back to seek love in others is not the option.. you can only come back to yourself . Love yourself first.

Be the light and feel the blessings curing you and healing you of all the hurt, just like bathing in the rain; washing away all the misery of yesterday.

Belong to yourself today and tomorrow.

I have just started sowing the seeds to nurture the enchanted garden of my dreams. I am the gardener of my soul.

Love and Blessings 💫

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( all the pictures are mine)

Love.

her beautiful song

 

May be she never belonged to the sky, but that was all she ever longed. Her cage was empathetic but so was her destiny. All dreams locked within her disbelief in her own ability. She struggled numb without a song, her scattered feathers reminded of her lost song. Was that how she going to die, buried alive beneath an incomplete sky, with closed eyes without a try? A song escaped her broken heart, and touched the horizon afar. The sky smiled to see the fetters of self-defeat drift away, like the clouds bringing some rain of change. Her dream was on an endless road of pain, but yesterday was gone and today is her reign. She choked and gasped for a new voice, though perils on the way made her cry. She cried and cried till she unraveled a new song, her muffled voice turned into a beautiful song. This was a song of her strength, her desire and will became alive again. Rainbows smiled with gleaming sunrays, piercing the shreds of every dark cloud. A new dawn rose everyday, she sang a new song everyday. Her forlorn past gave way to a new guide, gloriously gleaming from morning to night. A hundred thousand songs she sang, her cage remained but free was her soul again. Some birds sing while in a cage, but most beautiful for never too late. 

‘Your song is the most beautiful”, cried the sky. ” I am glad that you tried”.

That emotional dependence

I am talking about the time when I was going through a dark abyss of my life in my marital relationship, my self esteem, my womanhood and my insatiable quest for self- identity; the time when my emotional dependence took the better of me. I was ignored, rebuked and mocked for displaying a so called “drama” of my needs in the form of extreme emotions. I was made to doubt my identity as a mentally unstable woman maybe suffering from a bipolar syndrome. Though I admit of going to the extremes, but today when I am so loved and I look back to think;  those days of abandonment and rejection did turn me into a maniac of sorts. I still remember those days as I looked for someone to hear my unspoken words with some unconditional understanding, as I think that wasn’t an unreasonable thing to expect. I waited and I waited. But only to hear silence in return. When I was so locked in the dark prison of my mind ruled by my emotions; I did not see a single ray of understanding falling my way. I fell down in darkness, badly hurt only to find myself battling loneliness, depression, anxiety, anger and a sad life; oblivion without a single ray of hope in an aphotic silence to fight. Everytime I asked for an understanding, I was made to look down upon myself and was always asked to analyse myself for my irrational behaviour.

I guess, it was time to do that; to analyse myself and my behaviour. And to change my life. I was begging to be understood and in that urge my worst started taking over the best of me. After a long lost battle and endless hours of self harm, misery and sadness; just like a new dawn forever saying goodbye to the last night’s darkness;  I promised myself to rise against all the emotional dependence.

I needed to stop my emotional dependence, my expectations in the form of understanding from those whom I gave eighteen years of my life in sincerity. I took it as my right to be understood and loved. But it was time to burn the bridges which led to disappointments, hurt and self- destruction. And gradually with a transcendent phase of my life with the help of my loved ones, I rose against my emotional dependence.

To shun emotional dependence from our lives we need to be very strong and assertive. Never look for that someone to lift you up, believe in your own might to stand up for your own emotions. You gotta do it yourself for your own self!! We need to open our own eyes to see in the darkness, need to breathe on our own as no one else would gasp that last breath for us. We need to push, drag, lift or run with our own strength to reach till the door of the dark dungeon around ourselves and escape it. Sometimes our loved ones are around but their voices can’t reach us, there hands can’t hold us. It’s your own struggle to lift ourselves up! Find a way, steer a way, make a way, or walk your way, do it anyway!!

We have the strength to get rid of our own helplesness. We all have those hidden reserves of strengths which lie in obscurity most of the times. We need to wake up the paralysed will to do and search for that hidden treasure in the depths of our vulnerability.

The deep forests are not for getting lost, those are there to give us the shade of peace and self- discovery in the enlightenment of filtered Sunshine through the dark shadows.

 

Some days are happy days

Some days smile like a  blooming flower in the glory of it’s fullness. They fly like a free kite without the heaviness of the past, present or future in a sky of limitless dreams of inspirations. Those days give you wants like a child, a free soul singing and dancing to ones’s own tune when no one is watching. The day wants you  to never grow up, to laugh at every instance without making sense, jumping on the bed without a care, making paper boats, scribbling messages on the wall, tight hugs and so on.

Today is a happy day. I am simply unapologetically happy for the love falling in my heart like a dew filled desire. It feels awesome to be that wild free soul out of the clutches of sadness; even if it means for a day to feel like a free falling leaf swaying in the breeze of uncertainty, but love. For today I have kept my mind aside and I am drifting in a mindless movement in the direction of the wind hoping that this time maybe it’s a wind of change. The day when one doesn’t want to change anything, the day when life seems so effortless like a dive from the top of the mountain just to breathe freedom  in those suffocated lungs trapped to the shackles of unloved environment, is a happy day. It feels equally beautiful to pass on the happiness, hugs for no reasons, or  widest of smiles at strangers. Life takes a peaceful walk to that quaint little cottage of joy  away from the chaos of the noises; sometimes from ones’s own mind, amidst greens, hiding in the forest of inspirations along with an unknown river flowing with an unrestricted joy; seeping in every cell of ones’s being . Yeah.. Somedays are just happy days!