I am amongst those who have always tried to fit in some or the other world of moulds given to me by the society into the norms of a happy , inspired, successful living, but failed. Whether those were relationships adjusting to a toxic environment, or my own search for myself.
I meandered my way through the alleys of sadness, the emotional imbalances, outbursts, feeling of abandonment, dishonour, disillusioned by what my heart, mind, and soul desired. Bitterness towards relationship issues permeated every cell of my being. Every time I felt dillusioned, or emotionally hurt; my being would just gush unto the clutches of paranoiac panic attacks, and anxiety attacks. Soon, as my insecurities and hurt grew deeper, I started becoming a prisoner of an utterly impossible situation where helpless shivering, blame game, shame, use of filthy foul abusive language; would simply sketch my picture and I would lose all the dots I connected to. So often, and sooner then I realised, I had fallen prey to the silent soul, dignity killer called anxiety disorder, depression, a suspected Paranoia of sorts.
“Paranoia involves intense anxious or fearful feelings and thoughts often related to persecution, threat, or conspiracy. Paranoia can become delusions, when irrational thoughts and beliefs become so fixed that nothing (including contrary evidence) can convince a person that what they think or feel is”
It became a perpetual pattern of my behaviour reacting to anything which discorded and conflicted with my thinking process. It was a constant sinking feeling that I was falling deep into some well where I could only see darkness, falling deep into the depth of nothingness. I would call frantically, scream, shout, and cry.
My volatile reactions to my inability to react to any emotional moment especially if it encountered some sort of emotional hurt, would send me in a frenzy and an extreme behaviour. People around me thought I was going insane and mad. And, they would call me that.
Anxiety attacks can make you lose your most beautiful and trusted relationships. Years of emotional hurt, staying in a toxic relationship, dealing with some childhood hurt patterns, pressures of a rule abiding society; I mean everything just would become a block for me in my head. It’s like to live under constant clouds of storm. It would give me a deep hurt while trying to understand that why was it so difficult for the people from whom we expect the most to understand; for them to see from a new perspective that the person they love so much could be suffering from some mental illness. Why it becomes a taboo? Why can’t they see it as a chemical reaction in someone’s brain?
It could be PTSD, Paranoia, or some long simmering depression leading to the anxiety and panic attacks. For many of us have traveled on the broken shards of glasses for the longest time of our lives, everyday living our emotional scars and wounds.
I would expect people who loved me and whom I loved and trusted to understand; accept my vulnerable helpless moment. I won’t deny, but they did for a while but soon they started giving up on my behaviour. I don’t blame them. In my wrath of my anxiety and panic attacks, I wounded them with unseen but ghastly hurt. It did hurt them. And soon they left. I was miserably sorry and I needed to forgive myself.
I take responsibility of my actions and sincerely apologise to everyone whom I have hurt knowingly and unknowingly.
I am still trying to forgive myself, and somewhere them also. Isn’t love about acceptance? Don’t we love a person for all their weaknesses and strengths? Don’t we promise to be with them in sad times and happier times? Staying with someone, holding their hand in their darkest lowest moments; is Love for me. But, I have experienced that Love does get tired of standing by you and their comes a moment in angst , when all is gone.
I wanted to hold on to the promises of love too, but they can’t accept that it’s not just an agonising argument; there’s deep pain and a hidden monster behind it. In refusal, they tend to shun away from negativity and you are utterly alone in your weakest self moment. And, one can’t blame them. Our society is living in an unawareness of some serious mental illnesses. I am still better and surviving in a strong way, but some do succumb to this by ending their own lives. The moment they leave us or we leave them, we again get quaffed in misery of our depression. It’s a vicious circle, leaving no escape for all those suffering from self- doubt, and their incapability to handle themselves. We let others value up our measure of self worth. Definitely not denying, I have done that to others too. But now I realise my mistakes towards others and towards me.. ain’t it enough!!
Anyone who has suffered and gone through these attacks, would absolutely agree and relate to this. So many of us.. so many of us going through this silent soul sucking diminishing illness everyday.
Enough is Enough ! Only we can rescue ourselves from our own vulnerable being.
Even today I am not free from depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and symptomatic paranoia. I have lost my most precious loved relationships to the recurrent display of my disorder. Being alive is not just a natural state of breathing, it’s an essence of vibrancy. Loneliness and a feeling of emptiness; a depressed state of mind when I am not even able to open my arms to the sky and say I am alive!! When I am not. I live in a persistent guilt of scarring my loved ones too. I hate to say but I wish such wonderful people hadn’t ever visited my dark world.
See.. here I am again going on self- sabotage and self blame.
Now, what do I do? After having lost all my integrity, my dignity and my self- respect; what do I do?, I question myself again and again.
We all need to heal first. We all need to learn how to love ourselves first. Self- love and acceptance is the only form of true healing which comes our way.
I want to make a promise first to myself.
I want to Stop myself and Stop others from falling prey to our vulnerability towards mental instability and emotions. I want to be there for myself first. I want to gather all my strength and push the boulders of self doubt and misery away.
I want to Stop being the victim of my own mind!!
Many times it’s our inability to see ourselves in a sprinkling white bright light, because we have been in darkness for too long, and some love hurts have left us wounded forever. It’s easier said than done, but try!! Try taking that one step, that one time when you lean on yourself, hold yourself, assemble yourself, rearrange yourself, love yourself, cuddle yourself, and tell yourself that you can begin again… try taking that first step with that belief in yourself that you are absolutely clear of every past wound or hurt. You forgive yourself and you forgive others for everything. Take that first step towards building yourself again, fall in love again but within yourself first!!
We all face hardships in our own ways. We all have our own challenges at every step, some bridges to be built and some to be burned forever; for how long can we wait for a miracle to heal us. There’s no magical pill or drug for that. We gotta do that with a strong conviction of just belonging, living and nurturing our soul and being first. Be the gardener of that enchanted garden, you always dreamt of. Going back is never the option, move forward.
Though it’s not okay that we hurt people while they hurt us too, but we got to leave that behind. Going back to seek love in others is not the option.. you can only come back to yourself . Love yourself first.
Be the light and feel the blessings curing you and healing you of all the hurt, just like bathing in the rain; washing away all the misery of yesterday.
Belong to yourself today and tomorrow.
I have just started sowing the seeds to nurture the enchanted garden of my dreams. I am the gardener of my soul.
Love and Blessings 💫
( all the pictures are mine)